Recently there was an article on Everyday Feminism about "9 Lies People Tell You When You Come Out as Bisexual," which I found to be pretty true. If you call yourself bisexual, which I don't anymore, since I find the term misleading and vague.
For the longest time, though, I (reluctantly) identified as bisexual. Reluctantly because of the many misconceptions talked about in the article, and not wanting to be associated with them -- especially the bit about bisexual people not being able to be faithful, since I got that exact (unfounded) complaint from my first two serious romantic partners when I brought up my bisexuality. Combine that with the biphobia in the gay community, and I preferred to not label my sexuality and/or to explain it as being able to be attracted to any gender. But even once I found out there was another word for that (pansexual), I kept calling myself bisexual because it seemed the most convenient and easily understood way to say I can be attracted to more than one gender.
I finally left the label "bi" in the dust when I departed the gender binary in the summer of last year. Calling myself bisexual - literally, attracted to the two sexes (the two most commonly acknowledged ones, out of several that exist) - didn't make any sense when I myself didn't feel female or male. So I finally, again reluctantly, started calling myself pansexual. Reluctantly because I knew I'd now have to explain the meaning of my sexual orientation to just about everyone, and then explain why I couldn't just be bisexual, and then still have to deal with their erasure.
(To go on a little side rant, no matter what EF may say, the term "bisexual" is a little trans- and intersex-erasing, because while individual bisexuals may not be transphobic or have problems with dating trans, non-binary or intersex people, the term itself implies that there are only two sexes, which most people take to be synonymous for genders. If you want to actually show support for trans, non-binary and intersex people, and not just make excuses, use a more inclusive term like "pansexual.")
But the thing that's really invisible is the fact that these labels don't even come close to actually describing my sexuality. I'm not bisexual - attracted to (feminine) women and (masculine) men. I'm not pansexual - attracted to every person of every gender. I'm actually, to make up a word, a queerophile, and when it comes to intimacy tending slightly on the side of gynephile. I like masculine women, feminine men, androgynous and non-binary and queer looking and acting people, and I seem to like to fool around with female or feminine bodies more than with male or masculine ones.
This doesn't mean I'll never fall in love with someone who doesn't obviously fit this description. There are notable exceptions, and also ways that the queer gender expression of my loves has played out in unexpected ways. So even given that, there really is no definite way to label my sexuality. The best word for it may be "queer" - a word so broad it barely says anything.
So it may seem like in the last 15 years I've come full circle, right back to where I started at not wanting to label myself. But this time, it's not because I'm worried about what other people will think of me. This time, it's because I've come to know myself, to know what I like in a partner. A broad label such as "gay," "straight," "bi" or "pan" can never fully capture that, for any person. They may be useful for other purposes, such as activism, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I prefer to just be known as - me.
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