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Monday, March 3, 2014

Loving Without Suffering (Part 1?)

Love is painful. We seem to accept this, that no matter whether it's longing for a love interest who may or may not be available, or grieving the loss of someone who no longer wants to be involved in the way they were before, or worrying about the future of a relationship that's weathering problems. Love involves longing for something we may not be able to have, something that might seem elusive and uncertain. In poly relationships, love can seem to bring extra suffering in the form of jealousy, which often stems from the fear of losing a loved one to someone else.

But this kind of suffering doesn't really come from love. Love is a giving, accepting, nurturing feeling. Love doesn't confine or grasp. What's actually causing the suffering is attachment - the human desire to cling to what we have, our craving for permanence and stability.

The thing is though, that nothing lasts forever. Flowers bloom and turn into fruit, which then rots. Leaves grow, dry up, fall and grow again. On the cosmic scale, our sun will collapse on itself in trillions of years, and even the universe will eventually die. On the microscopic scale, our cells are constantly growing and dying. And our thoughts and feelings shift from moment to moment; we aren't even the same person we were a moment ago. This may seem like a "big picture" view, but why not look at the big picture? If you think about it, everything is constantly changing. So getting attached to things (people, relationships) necessarily causes suffering, since things will inevitably change.

This isn't to say we shouldn't care about other people, or take pleasure in the joy they bring us. (I think I'll need to write another post on this topic.) But clinging to people and the feelings they give us can cause suffering, since people change and situations change. It's necessary to have a balance, to love without clinging.

I'm going through a breakup of a serious relationship right now, which is what led me to reflect on this topic. Even though part of me thinks the breakup is for the best, another part of me still misses the past and wishes it could have continued. It's natural to grieve. I'm not denying that. But at the same time, I want to move on, to continue my life and embrace the things the future will bring.

To do that, I've been reminding myself that change is natural, in order to reduce my clinging to the past and my suffering because things can't stay the same. I'm a fan of mantras; I use them to redirect my thoughts and emotions in all kinds of situations. Some of the mantras I've used to deal with the gigantic changes in my life are:
  • Nothing stays the same.
  • Everything changes.
  • Nothing lasts forever.
  • Change is the only constant.
  • No moment is like any other.
  • Every moment is brand new.
  • Anything can happen.
  • Change is awesome.
  • Life is exciting.
  • Life is amazing!
I usually string four or six of them together to move myself from longing for what's gone, to looking forward to the future: "Nothing lasts forever. Everything changes. Every moment is brand new. Life is amazing!"

One day last week, I was walking up to the office building where I work, and happened to be thinking how uncertainty made the whole world seem fresh - and suddenly I saw the blue sky outlined by the arches of the building's facade as though for the first time. Life is so amazing when you live every moment as though the world were brand new.

I should say, though, that although this thinking can reduce suffering, I don't think it will eliminate suffering altogether. It's human nature to become attached, to crave security and wish that good things could last forever. Realizing this and realizing that actually, the world is fluid and we can't actually keep anything should help reduce suffering - but the suffering will still initially happen, because we're human.

Also, this sort of thinking isn't just for dealing with breakups. One of the goals of the polyamory movement is to get away from possessiveness in relationships. Your partner doesn't belong to you. They're their own person, who can do whatever they want, really. I believe that reducing attachment to a person or relationship - reducing the need to keep and hold onto them - could also reduce the sense of possessiveness in a relationship, and lead to greater freedom and openness to what the future may bring.

My guide in this endeavor has been the Canadian Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön; her book The Places That Scare You has been a great source of wisdom. That was where I got the idea that rather than seeing the constant change of the world as something frightening and threatening, to be denied and avoided, we should see it as exciting - every moment is new, a moment that has never been before and never will be again. Many of the insights here come from Pema Chödrön or her teachers, I've just applied them to dealing with changes in relationships.

So how do you love someone without obsessing about "keeping" them? Well, I need to think about that some more, so expect a "part 2" later on addressing this question :)