The other caveat is that I'm not really the most qualified person to write this post. I'm white, educated, and (struggling) middle class; I plan to squeeze my way into a corner of the gender binary, and I have access to hormones and hopefully, eventually chest surgery, and I can even pass as male at death metal festivals, apparently, on just two months of T. There are people who don't have access to or don't even want these things, and their identities and ways of expressing themselves are just as valid as mine, but their struggle to be perceived and accepted as their true selves is a lot more arduous than mine. As you read my post, remember that I have it easy. Imagine my difficulties and frustration ten thousandfold, with no hope of being solved on that magical day when the hormones have done their job and I can pass with ease, and you may have some idea of the struggle of a non-binary or disadvantaged trans* person.
This post is a culmination of a growing irritation at the way the cis world tries to ascribe a certain way of being upon trans people, trans men in my particular case, and how cis folks will often refuse to acknowledge someone's gender if they don't fall within society's narrow parameters of what constitutes "women" and "men."
It started with the stir about Aydian Dowling, a model (or something) who could become the first transgender guy on the cover of Men's Health. That's cool all right, but the stir came at a time when I was feeling uncertain about where my own body was headed, how I would look after the combo of T and twice weekly workouts. Aydian Dowling looks great, I thought, but I dunno if that's how I want to look. Honestly, I think I'd like to be a slender, even willowy type of guy. The kind who could get mistaken for a girl - till he turns around and you see facial hair.
Moreover, I have yet to see a trans guy in the news - or even on Youtube - with even moderately long hair. So maybe trans guys with waist length death metal hair are kinda rare, but there have got to be some with shoulder length hair, at least?
Nope. Crew cuts, beards, and big muscles all the way. That's trans guys. >.<
Then I read some snippets of an NPR interview about a trans woman whose transition at work was "helped" by a cis ally in the workplace. It included this highly irritating paragraph (Ms. Zekis is the trans woman; Ms. Bittle is her cisgendered friend):
Second, it was interesting that Zekis' good friend and confidante, Bittle, talked about how some in the transgender community expect people to just accept them without doing a lot of groundwork. She said Zekis had a good experience because she worked really hard to look like a woman to make it less uncomfortable for other people. She was saying that simply presenting as the opposite gender, and claiming to be the opposite gender, isn't enough. Appearing somehow "in between" is awkward for other people, and ends up putting a lot of extra burden on the person transitioning.Yep, cause other people feeling awkward is definitely a burden that should fall on trans people. After all, we only chose to live more authentically in order to save our lives or at the least, feel a little bit better about ourselves. It's way too much to ask for people to accept that and support us in our endeavor, unless we make it super easy for them by never questioning or transgressing the all holy binary gender system. Gods forbid any of us actually identify outside said binary system, cause that might actually cause some serious strain to some cis neurons.
The only reason it's a "burden" and harder for trans* people to present in ways outside the binary is because cis people make it that way. You could just, you know, accept and affirm us when we tell you what gender we are, but no, anyone who doesn't conform to the binary will be questioned at the least, most likely misgendered, and ridiculed or harrassed at the worst. Because it's sooo our fault we don't always fit the binary. Never mind that someone people actually identify outside it and purposely present as "in between," but, you know, some people who are transitioning from one binary body shape to the other just don't pass all the way all the time! I definitely don't; I pretty much only pass at metal concerts, where my waist length hair doesn't "give me away." But that's my own fault for being a metalhead and choosing to grow my hair long! No mercy, misgender at will! >.<
An op-ed by Army Sgt. Shane Ortega (who's being called the first openly transgender active duty military service member) crystallized my thoughts on these topics. He criticized the fact that by focusing on hypermasculine, conventionally attractive trans men, the media is "project[ing] unrealistic expectations of trans men’s bodies and promot[ing] stereotypes, like the false ideas that all men can grow facial hair, have binary, male-appearing chests without breasts, are muscle-bound, dress in stereotypically 'masculine' clothing, or must be attractive by straight, cisgender (nontrans) standards to be deemed 'desirable.'" He encouraged the trans men who do get media attention to push the conversation away from the shallow, objectifying focus on bodies and to call attention to the existence of trans people of color and those who are queer or non-binary, to intersecting issues of race and gender, to the problem of male privilege. Yes, I thought, This is just what I've been struggling to articulate. This is just the sort of spokesman that trans people and trans men in particular need.
Not all trans men can or even want to look like Aydian Dowling. None of the other trans guys I know in real life do. They look like themselves, as they should, in all their wonderful variety. Most of them are gender-nonconforming in some way, whether it's in terms of bodies, sexual orientation, or the way they act or dress or do their hair (in real life, I do actually know one trans guy with shoulder length hair! :D ).
And I'm sure Aydian Dowling feels that he looks like himself, but he also looks like a perfect picture of conventional masculinity, which is no doubt why Men's Health and the rest of the media love him. In the interview linked above, he says that "Transgender visibility through mainstream media such as Men's Health is so important because it helps break down stereotypes of what society thinks transgender people are and are not." But then he goes on, "Someone could pick up the magazine and become educated and aware that transgender bodies are just like cisgender bodies." (Emphasis added.)
I get what he's saying, you know, that there are a lot of cis-passing trans people, whom most cis people would never guess are trans. That could be eye-opening for a lot of people - oh my god, trans people can be "normal" just like us! The problem is that cis-passing trans men are the only ones being portrayed by the media right now. Just because some are (and get easily accepted because of it) doesn't mean that all of us are. And the ones who aren't, are the ones who have the biggest struggle being accepted. Thus, even more than showing cis people that us trans folks can be "like you," we need to proclaim that, you know what, sometimes we're quite the opposite of what you consider "normal," and that's okay too, and each person's gender and body should be accepted as they choose to call it and present it.
That was the biggest insight I got from Sgt. Ortega's op-ed. Once he'd said all kinds of words that I had been groping for, though, I felt like it had been said; I didn't need to say any more on this topic, cause he'd already said it so well. So why the heck did I write this rant then? Well, it became personal last week when an acquaintance, whom I hadn't seen since before starting T, commented on my transition: "It was hard [to gender you correctly last fall] because you still had so many female qualities to you."
And that got under my skin. I didn't have the words to say to her then - it takes me way too long to think of words - but if I'd been able to express myself I'd have said:
"It's hard for you? Do you think it's easy for me? To battle against society and even my own internalized cissexist thinking, to struggle to assert my gender when everyone is shouting me down based on my body? I didn't ask for your support because it'd be easy. I asked for your support because this is the hardest thing I've ever done, because I stand at risk of losing everything and some days I don't know what's what or get lost in the darkest pits of anxiety, self-loathing, and despair, and I'd like to know there are some people who'd extend a hand to pull me out and tell me it'll be ok, and some places I can go knowing that you get it and you're not going to shove me back in the pit, but that you're going to affirm my truth and make me welcome as the person I really am."
That's what I'd have said if I could think quicker on my feet, and if I was in the habit of revealing my true feelings in person to anyone other than my closest friends or my therapist.
It being "hard" for cis folks to accept, affirm, and correctly gender trans* folks who don't fit the gender binary - whether it's because they're pre- or mid-transition, or because they don't give a shit about fitting into the binary - is like white folks of the 1950's saying, "It's too hard to learn to live with black kids in our schools," or men saying, "It's too hard to restrain ourselves from making unwanted sexual advances on women." It takes some learning. It takes some effort. But godsdammit, if you care about us, about our well-being, about not hurting our feelings or contributing to our oppression, then you damn well oughta try.
Cause if you think switching your pronouns is hard, I don't even want to know what you'd make of the soul-crushing dysphoria that can swallow me like an abyss when you don't do it.
I know too well the angst that can go along with being a cis ally. Well before I knew I was trans, someone in my immediate family started to transition, and it took me years to get over my grief and accept him in his true identity. But there's a time and place for airing those feelings, and with the trans folks you're trying to support is not it. Our angst could devour yours like the North Atlantic sucking down a lone rowboat. Worse yet, our angst could devour us a damn lot easier than yours will you. Take a moment to choose your words carefully, and you could just be saving a life.
I know sometimes we're "confusing," or we make you feel awkward. But how do you think I feel when you misgender me? Not just awkward, but straight up shitty. My stomach goes hollow, my mood plummets, and I feel like crawling into a cave, because you just broadcast to everyone around you that I'm the very thing I'm trying not to be, and you didn't even have the decency to correct yourself, so everyone goes on thinking I'm that other thing and calling me the wrong thing, and it just gets worse and worse. Really, compared to that it, it's not so hard to stop and say, "I meant, he."
You, cis folks, are standing a step - or sometimes many steps - above us. You're automatically accepted by the world; you don't have to worry about everything from your job to custody of your kids to whether you can afford surgery or will be assaulted in the bathroom. Just make the simple act of accepting us as we are and making the effort to gender us correctly, no matter how we may look, and you'll be extending a hand to lift us a little closer to the sun. It's not really that hard, and it'll be worth the effort.
Me at Maryland Deathfest last Saturday. Usually for "metal" photos, I do this thing called
my "ugly metal face," which involves sticking my tongue out and grimacing. I do it because it's metal
but also because it's masculinizing - it makes my face longer and thinner. There is such a photo from MDF,
but I thought I'd use the regular one here to show what I actually look like.
