I'm not denying that there are a lot of good things about this scene. The hugs and unconditional acceptance at the end of the scene. The fact that the character gets to keep his job after coming out as trans. The fact that trans men, who haven't gotten nearly as much screen time as trans women, are being portrayed at all, and in an overwhelmingly positive and accepting way at that. It's almost enough to outweigh the one unfortunate thing I heard in this scene.
And yet.
In spite of all the good in this scene, it still gets under my skin that yet again, a trans person is shown in the media with the words "I've known all my life" coming out of their mouth.
I haven't known all my life. I didn't figure this shit out until I was 28. Most of my trans friends have told me the same thing. "I figured it out when I was in college." I can only think of one trans person whom I personally know who might be able to say, "Yeah, I've known my whole life." It's not a story I've heard much at all. Matt Kailey, probably the most respected trans man activist in the U.S., didn't know all his life. He didn't figure it out till he was 42.[1] If my therapist is to be believed, the majority of trans people don't "always know" that they're supposed to the gender opposite the anatomy they were born with. Most people figure it out gradually.
In particular, this seems to be a thing with trans men. All of my trans male friends (who have told me their stories) have told me some variation of "it clicked for me when xyz happened in high school/ in college/ etc.." My guess is this has something to do with the fact that in the Mid-Atlantic United States in the late 20th and early 21st centuries, it's been ok for "girls" to be masculine - to wear cargo pants, to play rugby, to cut their hair short. So a lot of trans guys have been able to live the way they want without becoming aware of their gender identity until... something happens and it clicks. Wait a minute - I don't just want to be manly; I want to be a man.
Of course, that doesn't mean there couldn't be people like the coach on Glee who have known their whole lives. It's just that (judging from my very limited exposure to TV or movies) this is the only perspective that's being portrayed in the media, and it doesn't represent the majority of trans people, trans guys in particular.
When I've talked about this sort of thing with my therapist (because one of my doubts, early on, was, Wasn't I supposed to have known since I was little that I'm really a boy?), she has posited that this narrative of "I've known all my life" was created to help non-trans people better understand trans people. I guess it gives gender dysphoria and the desire to transition more urgency or poignancy if you can say, "Ever since I was two years old I've thought my body was wrong and I desperately need to get out of it!" For some people this is true, and it does make a touching story and whoever has had to suffer through dysphoria for their whole childhood - and sometimes much of adult life - before transitioning has my deepest sympathy. (Really. Someone close to me has a story kind of like this, and I feel a pang of sympathy whenever she tells me about her school-age years.) But this story doesn't represent trans people as a whole. And that's where the narrative fails. If it isn't depicting us the way we really are, how is it helping cis people to understand us?
It's wonderful that trans people are being shown more in the media, and being shown in a positive, sympathetic way. But we need to be shown in a way that reflects our reality, the truth and diversity of our experiences, and not with a monolithic narrative that tries to squeeze us all into the boxes we're trying so hard to escape from.
Works Cited
[1] http://www.one-colorado.org/news/meet-matt-kailey/
(Note: I don't endorse everything Matt Kailey says; in fact, my next post will probably be my beef with something he said in his book Just Add Hormones. But he was undeniably one of the foremost voices making trans men more visible in the US and for that he deserves a lot of respect. May he rest in peace.)
