The Spice Girls had it right.
I actually grokked this over a year ago now - after the breakup of a serious, three-year romantic relationship, while in the midst of an angsty, confusing rebound entanglement. I never got a chance to write it down, and once I settled into the relationship I'm in now - which is more Serious and potentially Long-Term than any I've ever been in - it started to fade from my conscious thoughts. But talking to a friend about her breakup brought these ideas back to mind, and I decided to finally write down my official philosophy toward relationships.
And I don't mean just romantic relationships. Partly thanks to seeing things from a poly perspective, and partly because the feeling of romantic love and platonic love are almost impossible for me to differentiate, I don't like to put romantic relationships on a pedestal above other kinds of relationships. I just have relationships.
Some of them are clearly romantic, like with my girlfriend. Some of them are clearly familial, like with my blood relatives. Some of them have a tad of professional distance, like with coworkers and people I volunteer with. And then some of them, especially my closest friendships, are unnameable. I love my closest friends with an intensity of feeling that is indistinguishable from the way I love and have loved romantic partners, present and past. Actually, some of my closest friends were at one time romantic partners. And that's kind of what this post is about.
In February 2014, when my relationship with a kind, caring, very amusing and very metal guy ended for various complex reasons, I felt pretty despondent about romantic relationships lasting. In truth, I'd felt that way ever since my first serious romantic relationship ended. As a romantic-minded teenager, I'd been convinced that that first relationship would last forever. It limped on into my senior year of college before finally going down in a dramatic blaze of glory. I went into my next serious relationship very pessimistic about the prospect of relationships lasting. That person wanted to marry me, and I remember talking to one of my roommates about how naive I thought he was. "I'll marry him," I said, "but it's not gonna last." That relationship went sour in ways I won't get into here, but I wasn't free of it till three years later (and without ever getting married, although we were engaged for a while). A year after that I got together with Metal Guy, and still I couldn't shake the persistent feeling that while I wanted the relationship to last, it couldn't possibly do so. Part of that was a suppressed awareness of the very issues that finally led us to break up three years later, but part of it was also that same pessimism, that same unhealed grief from my first serious breakup.
I'm still struggling with that feeling. At this point, I have much less cause to doubt that my girlfriend and I have a future together than with any of my previous romantic relationships, and yet I still am unable to trust that yes, this is it, we will be together for the rest of our lives. "For the foreseeable future" is all I can promise, to myself or to her.
That'd be all well and good if that was all that I (or she) wanted, but I've come to learn that I do want a love that will last a lifetime.
But can it last? Well, it depends on what we're talking about. Love itself, that can definitely last a lifetime (I'll say more about that in a moment). Romantic relationships though...they're a bit more tricky. They take not just love, but also commitment, willingness to communicate and problem-solve, and similar ideas on how to live life. Sometimes, one or more of those things fall through. My past romantic relationships have been brought down through lacks in one or more of those areas (and only once, by the disappearance of love). I can hope that at nearly 30 years old, I've learned enough about all those things to be able to say, yes, I can do it right this time. The relationship I'm in now seems to be on much better footing regarding all these things than any of my past relationships. And yet, you never know. Can I really rule out that something won't come up later on that's a dealbreaker? Something that even our practice of open and honest communication and complete support for each other's lives and goals can't handle?
I guess I can't, but I can promise that I'll do everything in my power to work through anything that does come up.
And if something does come up that spells the end, well, it will hurt like hell, but it won't be the end of everything.
Because even if relationships don't last a lifetime, love often does. And with it, so does friendship.
My first serious relationship ended, but I am still in (occasional) touch with my best friend from high school, and still think of her as one of my best friends ever. My absolute best friend ever is someone I only ever knew online, who disappeared from the web a couple years ago, yet my deep feeling of friendship with her continues as well, and I'm sure if we met again, we'd immediately pick up right where we left off. In recent years, one of my closest friends was first a coworker, then a good friend (but I was afraid to call her my best friend because I had a more than friendly interest in her), then a romantic partner, and then after that ended, again a close friend, which she still is today. In the interim, I fell madly in love with another friend, and we dated for a while but then broke up, and even though my heart was broken (because, of course, I hoped things would last forever) we stayed friends and are still good friends to this day, too. And I have other friends, too, with whom I've never been romantically involved, but whom I love so much that it doesn't feel any different from romantic love. (And since I like snuggling with friends, it's not even as though the physical component is wholly missing.)
I will likely be friends with these people for the rest of my life. Even the ones I've lost touch with are still in my thoughts occasionally, and I still harbor feelings of affection toward them. My friendships will last forever, and I love all my friends in one way or another - with nostalgic fondness, friendly affection, deep ardor, or some combination or fluctuation of the above.
And because I find it so hard to separate romantic and friendly affections - not to mention the fact that my history with several friends in fact includes romance and intimacy - I don't think it's a stretch to say that for me, relationships don't so much end as change form sometimes. People move away. Relationships change from romantic to friends-with-benefits to just platonic (not always in that order). I lose touch with people. And sometimes, sadly, people disappear from my life.
That last one is pretty rare though. Most of the non-familial relationships I've cultivated over the years have endured, in one way or another, and even those who are gone are remembered. Friendship endures. Besides, friendship is ultimately the basis of every chosen relationship, even, or especially, the romantic ones. If any aspect of relationships deserves to be put on a pedestal, then, it's friendship. It's the root, the heart, and the eternal essence of all our chosen relationships.
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