My situation is complicated by the fact that I'm in the early stages of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and that to an extent I still wish to live and be seen as a member of one of the binary sexes, just that it's not the one I was assigned at birth and had been living as for most of my life.
What happened was this. Last week, I wanted to wear a shirt that I like. It's a collared shirt with blue and dark gray stripes and maybe three buttons - it doesn't button all the way down, but just has a few under the collar, like a polo. And, it's technically a "women's" shirt. It was sold in the "women's" department, buttons on the right, and the stripes are thinner and so more "feminine" than they would be on "men's" shirts.
I really like that shirt though. I think it looks nice, and it doesn't really look feminine to me, or make me feel like a woman.
If I wore it work though? How would other people see it, and as a result, me? What would they think of me going into the men's restroom?
Seeing as I'm still early (just over three months) in HRT, clothing and grooming play as much, if not more, of a role in how other people see me as does my physical body. So despite how I rail against the idea that trans people ought to conform to cisgender stereotypes in order to help them be accepted, I do the very same thing myself. In order to avoid difficulties, especially at work and especially regarding which restroom I use there, I strive to dress and groom myself in a way that is more or less traditionally masculine (my waist-length hair is the exception, but even then, I wear it simply pulled back or braided, rather than down or in a bun or just about any other hairstyle. Hairstyles, apparently, are the prerogative of women).
Right now, the clothes make the man. Because my body is still only somewhat masculinized, I have to use my clothing to convince people, and I have to convince people so that they'll leave me alone in the bathroom.
Which means I can't wear a shirt that I want to, just because it could be perceived as a "women's" shirt, leading to confusion or misperceptions about my gender, and therefore to trouble for me.
Then again, it could also lead to productive conversations about gender and stereotypes. But at what risk to me? I've been lucky that my trans identity has been so readily accepted at my workplaces and that barring a couple weird looks in the restroom, I've gotten just about no reaction to my switching bathrooms after I came out. It's been going so well, I'm reluctant to overturn it all by throwing nonbinary identity and transgression of gender norms into the mix.
But if I remain closeted, as it were, about the queerness of my identity and my wardrobe choices, then how is that helping to change anything?
Yet I can't bring myself to be a martyr for the cause of genderqueer identities and expression. When my body is more generally perceived as male, then I think I'll be able to more freely choose my office wardrobe, and to stand up for my choices.
My ideal world would be one in which each person can declare their gender as they see it, and be respected for it. But we're far from such a world. Like I explained in my previous post on "passing," trans people have to convince the world of their identities through appearance and behavior, through being indistinguishable from binary cis people, in order to be accepted. And now I'm running up against that sad truth personally. I can conform to the standard for male appearance and meet with a modicum of acceptance, or I can follow my heart and have to fight every step of the way to be recognized as who I feel I am. And at this point, I really don't know which one will bring me more happiness, less stress, more reward, less pain. It's just a decision I have to make on a daily basis, balancing my need for self-expression with my need to be gendered correctly, to avoid harassment, to survive. Perhaps someday I won't be in this bind. Or perhaps what I really should hope for is the strength to break free.
I wore the shirt on Saturday instead.
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