A few days ago I read an article about why someone would date a masculine woman instead of a (cis) guy (and why you probably shouldn't even ask that question to begin with). The article doesn't directly relate to my romantic relationship, since I'm not a masculine woman or a cisgender guy. But it makes a valid point and, more importantly, to me, the way it discusses masculinity made me think about how I define my own masculinity, and masculinity in general.
The article says that "masculinity doesn't belong to any gender" and that "a man’s masculinity [is not] more authentic, more natural, [or] superior to a woman’s masculinity." Men don't have any exclusive claim on masculinity. Which makes sense to me, since I lived as a woman with masculine traits for many years, and fully support women who want to express masculinity to do so. (And now I'm the converse, a man who expresses femininity from time to time. Or maybe a lot of the time :P)
It's not just that women can be masculine, though - it's that women's (or genderqueer or trans* folks') masculinity isn't any less authentic than (cis) men's. Masculine women or queers aren't imitating cis men; they're expressing themselves in the way that feels most natural.
At least, that's what I'd like to think. But where does masculinity come from if not from how cis men act? We could call it a loose collection of behaviors and attitudes that used to be most associated with straight, cisgender men, but can now be adopted by anybody. But even defining it that way has a really gross heteronormative ring to it. Yet what is masculinity if not "how mainstream heteronormative society expects men to act"?
Masculinity is important to me, but I have a hard time pinning down exactly what it is. It's in the way I dress, the way I walk and move, the way I act toward my girlfriend, and to a lesser extent the way I interact with pretty much everyone (especially at metal concerts and martial arts dojos). But a lot of that is defined by the general consensus of "how men act" (or dress). I won't wear a lot of things that are considered "women's clothing." I try to walk and move "like a man" and I try to "be the guy" in my romantic relationship. Part of that is intense discomfort with being perceived as female, or with feeling something I'm doing or wearing is heightening the impression of me being female. I long to be seen as male so I try to do and wear the things that cis guys do.
To a point, anyway. Many a time I've said to myself, "What's the point of all this if I can't be myself?" And so I haven't cut my hair, and I sometimes wear shirts that don't quite hide my curves just because I like them so damn much, and I still love pink and purple and anything with hibiscus flower print on it. I still cry sometimes - or a lot, this past week. I would definitely argue that being willing to let out my feelings, even in tears, doesn't make me, or anyone, less of man. Some people would disagree and say that crying isn't "manly." But I also have friends who would say that expressing one's feelings is a sign of strength, and therefore, not "unmanly."
And I feel like this isn't just a thing among my friends, but that society as a whole is slowly shifting in this direction - allowing men to express their feeling more, even through tears. The idea of what's masculine is changing. And so perhaps we can't pin down what exactly masculinity is or who defines it, because it's a diverse and fluctuating concept. The idea of what constitutes "masculine" behavior varies not just from culture to culture, but from person to person. And it's constantly changing over time. Fathers are much more involved with their children now (at least, in the US) than they were in the 1950's. "Sensitive" guys are starting to be valued, and people keep telling me, "it's ok for guys to cry." My generation takes equality and egalitarianism between men and women for granted (at least in name if not always in deed) when that wasn't the case 60 years ago. And individuals and organizations are focusing on teaching healthy masculinity that doesn't contribute to sexism or relationship abuse and can lay the basis for true equality between men and women (and everyone else).
With so much change and variation, is there even any point to the concept of masculinity? At some point, will this individualistic and varied (and hopefully, progressive) spectrum of what constitutes masculinity become so broad that it's meaningless, because the definition of "masculinity" is different for every person, and ultimately it just boils down to people expressing themselves how they want, regardless of sex, gender or norms?
I think eventually we'll arrive at a freer, more progressive, more egalitarian concept of masculinity, but I don't think the concept will go away. Due to the demands of biology, I'm fairly sure the distinction (not dichotomy, or binary, but just the difference) between female and male, and with them their associated behaviors and attitudes - femininity and masculinity - will go on existing for quite some time. But the definitions will only become looser, more open to interpretation, more available to be practiced in diverse ways by various people.
So who defines masculinity? Whoever practices it does. This used to be restricted to cis men, but more and more, anyone can do it. Anyone can claim a piece of masculinity for themselves, and no one can tell them they can't or that they're doing it wrong.
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