But you're a girl - how can you be a male lesbian?

Well, first off, I'm not a girl - that was covered in this post.

Secondly, technically speaking, I'm not exactly a male lesbian; I'm not even a trans male lesbian, because I don't consider myself 100% male, trans or not. So I'm really a transmasculine lesbian, if you wanna be technical. Which I will be in this post, but honestly saying "male lesbian" or "guydyke" is so much easier, and easier to understand, than "transmasculine lesbian"...

So let's start with the lesbian part. I spent several months, from when I first started to think I was genderqueer up till I figured out this identity, thinking that I couldn't be a lesbian - or couldn't consider myself in a lesbian relationship with my girlfriend, since I actually identified as pansexual. And that made me rather sad, because there are lots of nice things about lesbian relationships. Like lesbian sex, which is amazing XD Of course, the sex stayed the same and lesbian was just a word I couldn't use to describe myself anymore. But as I started to feel more and more transmasculine, I started to wonder whether it would change, and whether how I related to my girlfriend would change. Would I have to start being "the man" in the relationship? Would it become like a queer straight relationship? I didn't want that; I wanted to keep the equal, free, fluid roles we had as two women together. And also the lesbian sex XD

But I couldn't reconcile that with the way I kept feeling more and more masculine. Wanting to wear more and more masculine clothing, rather than androgynous or ambiguous outfits. Wanting to be seen as a guy. Being bothered by female pronouns, my female name, being called "miss" and "ma'am." And the crazy feeling that I was crossdressing if I put on very feminine garments. I definitely thought I was creeping along the trans spectrum, but dreaded where it might lead.

And then, I was reading something totally unrelated to me - a discussion of whether "girlfag" is an appropriate name for an identity - and male lesbians were mentioned, and the next day, something clicked. Holy shit, I thought. If a cis guy can identify as a lesbian, surely a trans guy can too? I can  have the best of both worlds, I can have my cake and eat it too (tehehehe). I'm a male lesbian. Except that I'm a trans one. And I'm transmasculine, not trans male.

Now, I can't claim to understand how cis-male male lesbians feel. For some people it seems to be being comfortable in a male body, yet wanting to relate to women as a woman. For others, it's more genderqueer or trans in nature, where they crossdress or are even medically transitioning to female. I'm more interested in the idea of identifying as male (cis or trans) and lesbian at the same time, though. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. It's a fairly queer experience of gender, yes. But why shouldn't someone who inhabits a male body be able to be ok with his body, and yet not want to interact with women the way society says men ought to interact with women, but rather as a woman would?

Of course, my experience is different, because I have a female body, but a masculine identity, except that I want to interact with women as woman would. I don't know what it's like to be cis male, or even totally male at all. I have the privilege of having a female body and female socialization which gives me more access to "lesbian" relationships than cis male lesbians might have. (Though my reading seems to indicate male lesbians are more likely to be happily paired with girlfags than with lesbian-identified women, anyway.) I don't have much chance of being accepted in the tiny, scattered male lesbian community, unless I went super stealth and tried to pass as a man, but since I don't even feel I am a man, that's unlikely. I don't even know if there'd be any point, since the issues I have going on as a transmasculine person would be so different from the issues facing cis male lesbians. So I'm just kind of on my own.

I suppose this could be seen as a kind of bigendered or genderfluid identity, but it's very specific. It's not like I switch back and forth on a whim, or am both male and female all the time. In general, I'm masculine. It's just that my sexual orientation and my way of doing romantic relationships is lesbian. Which actually has a lot of flexibility within it, as well, cause I can be butch and manly and protective and chivalrous - or I can be soft and sensitive and femme - or anything in between. But I don't have to "be the man" in the relationship just because I want to be seen as a man in the rest of my life.

Ok, and now for the really annoying questions.

Doesn't this just make you a really butch lesbian?

No, not according to my understanding of the term "butch." While I feel like there may be butches out there who don't really identify with being female, to me, butchness is a form of being masculine while still being female. I don't identify with being female. Most things about being female feel wrong to me. So I cannot be butch. I'm transmasculine.

Why come up with this weird identity -  why can't you just be "queer" or "genderqueer"?

I do consider myself queer and genderqueer. But using that to describe myself is like answering the question "What country are you from?" with "I'm from Europe." Um, ok, but there are a lot of countries in Europe, and Finland and Italy sure are a heck of a lot different. There are tons of identities under the umbrellas of queer and genderqueer; identifying that way doesn't really tell anyone anything besides I'm not straight or cis. I'm from Europe, I'm from Finland, I'm from the city of Turku and I'm half Finnish-speaking Finnish and half Finland-Swede Finnish. I'm queer, I'm genderqueer, I'm transmasculine and also consider myself a lesbian.

Don't you have to be cis male to be a male lesbian?

It is kind of part of the definition. But if you agree that a trans man should be regarded as pretty much the same as a cis man, then you have to admit that if a cis man can be a male lesbian, then a trans man should be able to, too. And just cause I don't feel 100% (trans) male is no reason why I shouldn't have access to that identity, too. Yes, I experience it differently from a cis man. Just the way that a trans man experiences being a man differently than does a cis man. I can only imagine the struggles of cis male lesbians to forge lives and relationships where they can express their womanly attitudes toward love, while I struggle to convince the world that I am a masculine person. But the end point is the same - living as a man, loving women as a woman.

So does this mean you're not bisexual/pansexual anymore?

I honestly don't know. At the moment I can't imagine a relationship with a straight, cis guy. I can't imagine what my role would be - a guy to his guy? a girl to his guy? I can't quite see myself being either of those. But every person is an individual. Just like there's no way I'd be able to relate perfectly with every single woman (or feminine person, anywhere on the gender spectrum), there's no way I can rule out that I might find a male-identified person who fits with my gender identity and how I want to do relationships. So I could say I'm still theoretically pansexual - I'm open to getting to know people of any sex and gender identity. It's just that I know lesbian is something that works for me and that I want in my life. But there's no reason something "lesbian" couldn't come packaged in the form of...say a cis male person? XD


To close, this realization has some interesting implications for my life as a trans person. For one thing, if I want to be a lesbian, medical transition is pretty much out of the question - which is kind of a relief actually, because I was dreading thinking about it. Even taking testosterone would probably be a bad idea, cause I've heard it causes people to lose emotionality, which is something I'd need as a lesbian. Besides, I don't want facial hair O.o Also, passing as male ceases to be as important, perhaps even unwanted, because I don't think I'd want to be read as male - even trans male - by other lesbians. I think I could stomach getting read as butch as long as I can depend on those closest to me to reinforce my masculine identity by using my preferred name and pronouns. Heck, I may even be able to present as female again occasionally at some point. Even though this identity feels like home, it's still not a destination - more like a comfy nest to venture out of for more adventures of self-discovery in this big queer world.

Actually, I'm Just Not a Girl

Last week I wrote a post titled I'm Not Just a Straight Girl who Also Likes Girls, which started out as an explanation of why I can't be myself with straight guys and ended up with me wondering what my problem with femininity was. "I should try to reclaim being female," I wrote, and immediately loathed the very idea.

I spent the rest of the day in a tense, irritable state. Partway through the evening I realized I hadn't told the truth when I said I was ok with my female body - it was more like I was resigned to it. Because years ago I used to wish I was much more androgynous, that my breasts were smaller and my butt was thinner. I thought that was the only way I could be ambiguous, which was what I wanted - I wished my look was such that people couldn't tell if I was a guy or a girl. 

But I hadn't thought about that much for years. I'd been dating guys (who were unquestionably straight) since high school, and they didn't want to see me in baggy pants - never mind trying to look like a guy! So I learned to live with flare leg jeans and girlie shirts and short shorts, to the point I started to like those things, in a way (Stockholm syndrome?!). But after my blog post churned up my thoughts about bodies and gender and where I actually fall, those thoughts came to light again. No, I'm actually not totally ok with this body.

And then a discussion about breasts and bras set off an anxiety attack about my breasts. I had disliked them at times, but I had never hated them so much before. Suddenly I just wished they would go away.

And then the person I was talking to asked if I thought I was still actually a girl, or if I might be genderqueer or trans, and I fell apart. I don't know! I cried.

I still don't know. I'm not coming out as anything, except probably not a girl. I do know that wearing sports bras wiped the anxiety away, and seeing myself looking flatter makes me feel amazing. So do men's button down shirts :3 Guys pants and shorts don't seem to have as much of an effect, probably because I've worn such things since high school. But I am slowly gathering things to actually dress up as a guy - which is something I want to try, but not how I want to be all the time.

For now, I think I'm swinging toward the masculine because I've spent so long forcing myself to be feminine. Right now, even just the tad bit of femininity that women's shorts, dress shirts and regular bras bring to my look is unbearable. It's a disguise I carried on too long; it became repressive. Looking masculine, meanwhile, is new and exciting - and a little scary. I'm afraid of tipping the balance too far.

Because I don't feel like I want to be a guy, and I don't want to give people the impression that I do. Most days, I believe, will be a balancing act. Men's shirt and women's shorts, something of each. Or neither. I realized this is probably the reason I prefer t-shirts and cargo pants to anything else - they're not gendered. Anyone can wear t-shirts and cargo pants. They don't make me a guy or a girl, just me.

I do still intend to dress up as a girl sometimes, too, cause it's fun to put on a short skirt and fishnets and scandalize people :3 Honestly, I've called that sort of thing "dressing up as a girl" for years now, because it always felt like crossdressing, just as much as dressing up as a guy would.

Initially I thought nothing else would change, but now a lot of little things are starting to scratch at the back door of my brain saying, no, that's not right, because you're not a girl >.< But I'm not sure yet how big of a deal this actually is, so I'm gonna wait till those little things get louder to do anything about them.

I can't even say for sure what I am, except I don't feel like a girl, and don't want to be a guy either. The words I'd choose to describe myself are androgynous, ambiguous, confusing - that's how I want to look and be perceived, anyway. At times I've thought of myself as genderless, but I can't say for sure if that's the case, or if I actually have a bit of both. It does kind of seem that neither glove fits; they both feel backwards no matter which way I put them on. But the way I feel most comfortable describing myself, really, is "just me." :D

Yay for guy shirt and flatness! :D