Oppressed by "Passing"

Since reaching a more nonbinary understanding of my gender identity, I've run directly into the problems with society's demand that we all "pass" as one gender or the other.

My situation is complicated by the fact that I'm in the early stages of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and that to an extent I still wish to live and be seen as a member of one of the binary sexes, just that it's not the one I was assigned at birth and had been living as for most of my life.

What happened was this. Last week, I wanted to wear a shirt that I like. It's a collared shirt with blue and dark gray stripes and maybe three buttons - it doesn't button all the way down, but just has a few under the collar, like a polo. And, it's technically a "women's" shirt. It was sold in the "women's" department, buttons on the right, and the stripes are thinner and so more "feminine" than they would be on "men's" shirts.

I really like that shirt though. I think it looks nice, and it doesn't really look feminine to me, or make me feel like a woman.

If I wore it work though? How would other people see it, and as a result, me? What would they think of me going into the men's restroom?

Seeing as I'm still early (just over three months) in HRT, clothing and grooming play as much, if not more, of a role in how other people see me as does my physical body. So despite how I rail against the idea that trans people ought to conform to cisgender stereotypes in order to help them be accepted, I do the very same thing myself. In order to avoid difficulties, especially at work and especially regarding which restroom I use there, I strive to dress and groom myself in a way that is more or less traditionally masculine (my waist-length hair is the exception, but even then, I wear it simply pulled back or braided, rather than down or in a bun or just about any other hairstyle. Hairstyles, apparently, are the prerogative of women).

Right now, the clothes make the man. Because my body is still only somewhat masculinized, I have to use my clothing to convince people, and I have to convince people so that they'll leave me alone in the bathroom.

Which means I can't wear a shirt that I want to, just because it could be perceived as a "women's" shirt, leading to confusion or misperceptions about my gender, and therefore to trouble for me.

Then again, it could also lead to productive conversations about gender and stereotypes. But at what risk to me? I've been lucky that my trans identity has been so readily accepted at my workplaces and that barring a couple weird looks in the restroom, I've gotten just about no reaction to my switching bathrooms after I came out. It's been going so well, I'm reluctant to overturn it all by throwing nonbinary identity and transgression of gender norms into the mix.

But if I remain closeted, as it were, about the queerness of my identity and my wardrobe choices, then how is that helping to change anything?

Yet I can't bring myself to be a martyr for the cause of genderqueer identities and expression. When my body is more generally perceived as male, then I think I'll be able to more freely choose my office wardrobe, and to stand up for my choices.

My ideal world would be one in which each person can declare their gender as they see it, and be respected for it. But we're far from such a world. Like I explained in my previous post on "passing," trans people have to convince the world of their identities through appearance and behavior, through being indistinguishable from binary cis people, in order to be accepted. And now I'm running up against that sad truth personally. I can conform to the standard for male appearance and meet with a modicum of acceptance, or I can follow my heart and have to fight every step of the way to be recognized as who I feel I am. And at this point, I really don't know which one will bring me more happiness, less stress, more reward, less pain. It's just a decision I have to make on a daily basis, balancing my need for self-expression with my need to be gendered correctly, to avoid harassment, to survive. Perhaps someday I won't be in this bind. Or perhaps what I really should hope for is the strength to break free.

I wore the shirt on Saturday instead.

To Pass or Not to Pass

Trans people think a lot about passing.

My girlfriend (who is a trans woman) and I have had multiple conversations about passing, and the upshot of most of them has been that passing shouldn't matter, and yet it does, a lot. It shouldn't matter because we should be able to express ourselves however we want, without worrying (or having to worry) about how other people will judge us. And yet it does matter because people do judge us, and when they do, we badly want them to perceive us as the gender each of us identifies as - that is, to "pass."

Or is that it? My girlfriend has said, "I don't care if people know that I'm trans, but I do want them to see me as a woman." And yet, the idea of passing implies not just being seen as the right gender, but also not being perceived as trans. Why? One glaring (and terrible) reason is safety. Being seen as trans can put an individual at risk of harassment, assault, or murder. The second and more insidious reason is that being seen as trans automatically undermines a person's gender in the eyes of the cisgender, heteronormative world. Once they find out we're trans, they no longer see a woman or a man, but a "man in a dress" or a "woman pretending to be a man." And so, not just in order to stay alive, but in order to be accepted and affirmed as their natural gender, trans people may feel they have to pass - to be indistinguishable from cis men and women.

One trans man has written about how we should stop calling it "passing" and call it "being recognized" instead. In his view, calling it "passing" implies that we're masquerading as something we're not. He also mentions the problems it causes for people who can't pass.

But if passing means being seen as cis, because that's the only way to be generally seen as "really" being the gender we identify as, then aren't we, in fact masquerading as something we're not? Because we're not cis, we're trans. So the problem goes deeper than just a word. The problem is with society's ideas of what makes a "real" man or woman. Mainstream society seems to think that a person has to be born with a certain set of chromosomes and genitals and develop a certain set of secondary sex characteristics in order to be male or female. What a person feels in their head hardly matters, as far as the mainstream conception of sex and gender is concerned. It's all determined by the body. To cis society at large, a person with a penis is male and a person without one is female, no matter how you dress it up.

It can be difficult or uncomfortable for people to wrap their minds around the fact that a woman may have "masculine" features or "male" anatomy, or a man may have "feminine" features or "female" anatomy. Even for those who are supportive of trans people, it can be an awkward thing to face up to. Before I knew I was trans, when I was intimate with a trans woman for the first time, I felt a little uncomfortable with her male anatomy. It didn't jibe with the fact that I saw her as a woman. But the human mind can get used to anything, and it took just a couple times before I was used to it. That, and I read an article which made me realize that the body of a female-identified person is entirely female, even the parts that would traditionally be thought of as male. It's the body of a female person, so all the parts are female too, no matter what they are.

If people could get more used to this idea, that a man or a woman might have different body parts from what the cisgender norm dictates, that'd help do away with the need for trans people to masquerade as cis to protect their identities and their lives.

And then, of course, there are people who are born with chromosomes or genitals that don't fit neatly into the narrow mainstream notions of "male" or "female." As much as 1% of people may be born intersex, meaning with physical characteristics that are somewhere between the traditional concepts of "male" and "female."

And, there are people whose gender identities and/or expression don't fall neatly into society's boxes of "male" and "female," either. Part of my gender journey included a stop in the agender camp, identifying as neither male nor female, no gender whatsoever. And let me tell you, it is very difficult to live as genderless and androgynous in a society that insists everyone is either male or female, and which one you are is determined by the sex organs you were born with. People will refuse to even try to call you by a neutral pronoun. There often isn't a public restroom you can feel comfortable in, since they are usually divided into "male" and "female." There's no way to change your legal documentation to a gender-neutral status, so anyone who sees it will assume you are whatever gender is on the paperwork. And there's no such thing as passing - there's only confusing the heck out of those who are clueless about gender.

Living as genderless, and then as a trans man, taught me a valuable lesson about passing, although it took me a while to understand it - passing really isn't all it's cracked up to be. Some people see passing as the ultimate success for a trans person - you made it, you're just like the mainstream cis versions of your gender and no one can tell you're trans! I suppose that for someone whose ideal of gender expression aligned pretty neatly with society's norms, that might be pretty good. Even then, though, it often takes a lot of effort and expense to get there - hormones and several surgeries and a new wardrobe and countless hours relearning how to do everything from walking and talking to using the toilet. That's not in reach for everyone, whether it's due to financial limitations or lack of services in a particular area or even, being too young for surgery. Not only that, but for many trans* people (myself included), gender identity and/or expression may not align with society's expectations. So what we are we do, go through all this expense and effort, and put our lives at risk, to leave behind a gender we don't identify with, but then conform to a new set of standards that we still don't identify with? Heck no!

And that's why I think passing is a useless, outdated idea. Because what, exactly, am I trying to pass as? The narrow idea of masculinity and maleness that society demands, which, frankly, is impossible to attain even for most cis guys? No way! I'm trying to be myself - a metalhead with long hair, a martial artist who wants to be fit and strong but not overly buff, and a pansexual man who shows his fabulous side whenever he gets a chance. Not only that, but I'm not and can never be cis. Even with top surgery, I'll have scars to show. Even with bottom surgery, my exterior and interior parts will be different from a cis man's. So why should I have to pretend to be cis?

For a long time, "passing" has served to protect trans people from abuse, but it has also served to shelter mainstream society from trans people, and that's why trans people are still being attacked when fearful people "find out" that they're trans. Because society still has not learned to accept that men, women and other sexes and genders come in all shapes. Not until we can all wrap our heads around that idea will trans* people be safe from violence, as well as from the oppression of "passing."